Has there ever been something in your life that you just never really could see yourself doing? Like Riding a bull, climbing Mt. Everest in a snow storm, giving birth to 9 children, (like my Mother-in-law did) or charming a snake. It’s not that there is inherently anything wrong with any one of these things, I just never picture myself doing them.
When I was a girl I said I would not marry a pastor or a farmer. No disrespect to farmers or pastors. I love vegetables and I love church. I think it might, at some level, show my laziness. I thought both seemed like a whole lot of work and pressure. Then I met Jason. He told me early on in our relationship that he thought God might be calling him to be a pastor someday. He said he wasn’t sure. I was okay with not being sure.
Through the years it has become clear that indeed God was directing his life in this area. I have needed lots of reassurances that this churning in him was God’s call and not just a bad burrito. Coming from a pastor’s home I knew that there needs to be a direct call because when the times get rough, I mean like you think your drowning rough, you gotta know you are walking in obedience.
Remember in the movie Winn Dixie. The little girl says, “my mommy left “the preacher” because she said she felt like a bug under a microscope”.
I have observed many pastors families and it seems like we all have one thing in common….We live under a microscope much of the time.
Not that it’s always bad to have people watching you. I know that with position comes a level of accountability.
Jason has accepted a position of assistant pastor at our church. And now I think of random things like: What if, I mean, hypothetically speaking, Jason’s the preacher and I don’t like what he’s preaching on, wouldn’t it be really awkward for me to leave the church? Do you think people might talk? Really?
I think my biggest fear is and has always been people’s expectations. I mean just because Jason is now in the “ministry” does that automatically make me qualified to give wise counsel at any given moment? Am I required to say hello to everyone every week? Do I need to make sure my kids never say or do anything that reflects negatively on their preacher daddy? And what do I do with people who don’t like my dear husband and say nasty and critical things about him? Do I need to be sweet back and never have a bad thought ever, ever again? Do I need to be at every church function? Am I going to be judged by the way I or my kids appear? Will people say “you can go if Jason’s kids are going”? Do I need to invite everyone from church over to my house? Will I ever be thought of as normal again? I’m sure I’m forgetting something…..
Can I measure up to what is expected? No, I think I might just as well get that out in the open. Pedestal living is hard to do.
Maybe I just way over think things. Maybe no body will even care. Or maybe I just need to work at being a support to my husband and his call. With that as my primary focus the other things will seem less important. Oh, I know that doesn’t take care of everything but as always when I keep my focus on what God really wants from me, I am much more content. In those dark times when isolation and loneliness seem greatest(which I am convinced will come)I want to know and be convinced firmly that what God thinks and says of me is most important.
God is working hard at growing me up. Sometimes I think I hear him saying “Rosy, I love you lots. Just listen to me, I will take care of you and your family. Please just trust me”. And you know what? I want to with all my heart. I want to trust him with every breath I take. Like the verse in Mark 9:23,24 “Lord help me if you can”.”If I can?” says Jesus. “Everything is possible for those who believe”. “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief”.